I have the distinct pleasure of working for an organization that provides global service immersion experiences for college men. As part of my job description, I oversee much of the planning and logistics for these experiences, as well as have the opportunity to serve as the facilitator on a trip or two. Having just recently returned from nine days of service and cultural immersion in Jamaica I can easily say I'm on a "service high" right now.
Giving back is a critical part of being a good person, but I'd argue that paying it forward is even more important. Throughout my life I've been privileged to attend good schools and universities, experience the arts and athletics, never have to wonder about my next meal, and always have the proper shoes and clothing for any event. I'm truly blessed and thankful for all of the opportunities I've been afforded and wholeheartedly know that not everyone is as lucky as I have been.
When I think about giving, it often leads me to think in terms of money. Giving to your university through the alumni annual fund, giving to a non-profit that supports education for girls, giving to your church or synagogue to maintain programs and initiatives. Giving is important for us in the philanthropic sense - putting our money where our mouth is and donating a percentage of our income to the causes in which we most believe.
Serving, on the other hand, challenges us to get our hands dirty and do the real work needed to make a change. Serving is the art of paying it forward so that someone you might never even meet has a better opportunity because you put the time, effort, and energy in to make a difference. When you pay it forward, you make the world better by not only recognizing your privileges but also doing something active about it. Serving, while not the intention of it, often has a greater effect on us than those on the receiving end, as it challenges us to look at the world differently, think in a new way, and grow beyond our comfort zones.
Admittedly, I'm not a kid person. I think they're adorable and I'm very happy for all of my friends that are currently in the baby stage of life. I'm blessed to be a Godmother to an adorable four and a half year old boy and lucky to be a pseudo-"aunt" to many others, but I'm still just not a kid person (at least not anytime soon, and that's okay!) This past week, however, made me think about this in a different light. While I might not being running home to have eight children of my own, the smiles on their faces and the laughter that surrounded the multitude of three to six year old children we met this week gave me a feeling of warmth and gratitude beyond what I've experienced before.
We paid it forward.
We built a place for a generation (or more) of Jamaican children to gain an education in a dignified structure. But perhaps more importantly, we reminded them everyday that their dreams are not too big and their goals are not too high - they, too, are special, and have the capacity in them to make a difference for someone else someday, just like we did for them.
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
In The Moment
I love having something to look forward to... Whether it's a weekend getaway, dinner out with the girls, or tickets to an upcoming show, I love have my calendar full of exciting events. Big or small, with a group or solo, I think it's the natural planner in me that likes knowing I have something coming up on the horizon.
As much as I love having these things to look forward to, I've noticed how it often can lead to a bummed out feeling once the excitement is over. You think about it and talk about it for so long that when it finally arrives the time just flies by and before you know it you're back where you started. Until, of course, you look at your calendar, are reminded of the next big thing, and start the countdown again. This vicious, yet fun, cycle continues, almost in a manic-depressive state, full of high-highs and low-lows.
Having recognized how I do this to myself, I've been making a concerted effort lately to relish in the moment of these experiences. Take it in, appreciate it for what it is, and savor the sweet feelings that accompany those purple blocks of fun on my calendar.
A few weeks ago I found a quote by Kurt Vonnegut (all-around cool dude plus alumnus of a certain organization I work for) that really hit it home for me:
"I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.'"
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I think this is something we all could benefit from doing more often. Recognize those moments - the laughter of good friends over a bottle of wine, the sounds of a baseball game on a hot summer day, getting lost in the pages of a new book, the smell of burgers and dogs roasting on the grill - and take that extra second to appreciate where you are, what you're doing, and who you're with. Take a mental snapshot and add it to the beautiful library of memories in your mind.
It's always nice to have something to look forward to but if we waste away those moments looking forward to the future, we lose the opportunity right in front of us. On Memorial Day and as we head into the beautiful months of summer, remember to be happy for who you are and be grateful for what you have.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Celebrating You
It's hard for me to pinpoint the exact reason why, but I've always had a thing for birthdays. There's just something about celebrating the day someone made it into this world that puts a smile on my face. It's a day that's uniquely yours in so many ways. Yes, you likely share your birthday with about 19 million other people on this planet, but it's still your day. The day to celebrate who you are, the special talents and skills you bring to the world, and how much your friends and family love you.
I've been a big fan of birthday parties since I was a little one. In fact, my event planning prowess started many years ago in the form of preparing intricately themed parties for myself. There were the parties at McDonald's with the old school cakes and edible sugared versions of Ronald & the Hamburglar, the parties at DZ Discovery Zone filled with pizzas and plastic ball pits, the classic ones in our backyard with a trampoline and the limbo, and the makeshift parties from new friends while spending your birthday facilitating a student leadership program. Birthdays bring back warm memories of happy times with family and friends over the years. And also give a sense of optimism for all that lies ahead in your new year.
As much as I love my own birthday, I think I love celebrating others' even more. Finding that perfect gift for someone, spending 45 minutes browsing the cards at Hallmark until one finally pops out at you, and watching the joy and appreciation on their face when they open it up. Everyone deserves that moment. Everyone deserves a celebration on their birthday. The celebrations can come in all different shapes and sizes, with 100 friends for a sweet sixteenth or simply laying by the pool doing it your way, but no matter what, it's your day and you should celebrate it. It's your unique day in this crazy hectic world we live in. Celebrate yourself, celebrate each other. And thank you for making my birthday special :)
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
I've been a big fan of birthday parties since I was a little one. In fact, my event planning prowess started many years ago in the form of preparing intricately themed parties for myself. There were the parties at McDonald's with the old school cakes and edible sugared versions of Ronald & the Hamburglar, the parties at DZ Discovery Zone filled with pizzas and plastic ball pits, the classic ones in our backyard with a trampoline and the limbo, and the makeshift parties from new friends while spending your birthday facilitating a student leadership program. Birthdays bring back warm memories of happy times with family and friends over the years. And also give a sense of optimism for all that lies ahead in your new year.
As much as I love my own birthday, I think I love celebrating others' even more. Finding that perfect gift for someone, spending 45 minutes browsing the cards at Hallmark until one finally pops out at you, and watching the joy and appreciation on their face when they open it up. Everyone deserves that moment. Everyone deserves a celebration on their birthday. The celebrations can come in all different shapes and sizes, with 100 friends for a sweet sixteenth or simply laying by the pool doing it your way, but no matter what, it's your day and you should celebrate it. It's your unique day in this crazy hectic world we live in. Celebrate yourself, celebrate each other. And thank you for making my birthday special :)
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
Monday, May 14, 2012
A Clear Vision
What do you do... where do you go... to find clarity?
I found myself in the car tonight driving north of Carmel unsure of my destination. It was a beautiful late spring evening, the bright sun beaming as it began its descent to the west, leaving a warm breeze in its place. Birds chirping, flowers just beginning to blossom, and a flutter of activity from cyclists, rollerbladers, and others out to enjoy the gorgeous evening.
My car somehow found its way to a reservoir about 20 minutes northeast of my home. I had heard it was there but never made the trek up until tonight. After a quick stop at Dairy Queen for the quintessential lake meal (a hot dog & a mini blizzard), I settled down in the grass at a park on the edge of the lake. As I gazed out over the peaceful waters rippling every so often from a flock of geese, I realized how often bodies of water have brought me clarity.
Throughout the course of my life I've had many interactions with lakes, rivers, and oceans. At a young age we often traveled up to Lake Erie and Conneaut Lake, close to the towns where my mom's side of the family grew up. I loved the combination of water, sand, and sun, as seen in the countless photographs of me as a young child. As a teenager I often escaped the craziness of adolescence by pulling my car up alongside the causeway at Mosquito Lake, just north of town, and would stare out at the water in search of understanding. Vacations were spent along the Maryland and Delaware beaches, the smell of saltwater and seafood a cherished memory, and college spring breaks led me to Panama City, Clearwater, and Miami, FL with friends I'll never forget. As an overworked graduate student, I spent many dusks on a large rock next to the Clarion River reflecting on my journey thus far, and as a budding runner found myself miles in along the towpaths of the Lehigh and Delaware Rivers in eastern Pennsylvania. For whatever reason, water has been a constant in my life and something that has always brought peace of mind.
This idea of clarity and where we find it is fascinating to me. You hear of people who wake up in the middle of the night, sit straight up in bed, and suddenly a situation they've struggled with makes perfect sense to them. You hear of others who have conversations with their God and are guided over the course of time to the clarity they seek. For me, the serenity of nature, particularly around water, has always provided me with the perspective I need.
As I sat at the lake and pondered this, I couldn't help but wonder if I conditioned myself over time to believe that water really brought me clarity or if the comforting presence of it allowed me to open the walls of my internal reservoir for a moment and let the waters of honesty flow forward from my soul? Just like a babbling brook becomes a raging river after a thunderstorm, the thoughts and emotions just rush out when I find myself in this peaceful environment. It's the place where I can take a true assessment of my life, my relationships, my career, friends, faith, and more, and feel true clarity in doing so.
I'm curious where others find clarity... Your hometown? A mountaintop? A shadowed library? What causes you to find so much comfort there that suddenly things just make sense? What do you do while there? Read, write, talk with someone? When, how, and where do things come together for you? I'd guess that almost all of us can immediately think of a specific place or thing. How often do you find yourself there? Daily, weekly? Or does the craziness of life leave those clear moments few and far between?
I left the lake tonight reminded that I need to get there more often. It doesn't have to be that lake, but I do need to make more time for myself to escape the hectic pace of life and intentionally step back in search of clarity and understanding. Water is, has been, and will be my place. What is yours?
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
I found myself in the car tonight driving north of Carmel unsure of my destination. It was a beautiful late spring evening, the bright sun beaming as it began its descent to the west, leaving a warm breeze in its place. Birds chirping, flowers just beginning to blossom, and a flutter of activity from cyclists, rollerbladers, and others out to enjoy the gorgeous evening.
My car somehow found its way to a reservoir about 20 minutes northeast of my home. I had heard it was there but never made the trek up until tonight. After a quick stop at Dairy Queen for the quintessential lake meal (a hot dog & a mini blizzard), I settled down in the grass at a park on the edge of the lake. As I gazed out over the peaceful waters rippling every so often from a flock of geese, I realized how often bodies of water have brought me clarity.
Throughout the course of my life I've had many interactions with lakes, rivers, and oceans. At a young age we often traveled up to Lake Erie and Conneaut Lake, close to the towns where my mom's side of the family grew up. I loved the combination of water, sand, and sun, as seen in the countless photographs of me as a young child. As a teenager I often escaped the craziness of adolescence by pulling my car up alongside the causeway at Mosquito Lake, just north of town, and would stare out at the water in search of understanding. Vacations were spent along the Maryland and Delaware beaches, the smell of saltwater and seafood a cherished memory, and college spring breaks led me to Panama City, Clearwater, and Miami, FL with friends I'll never forget. As an overworked graduate student, I spent many dusks on a large rock next to the Clarion River reflecting on my journey thus far, and as a budding runner found myself miles in along the towpaths of the Lehigh and Delaware Rivers in eastern Pennsylvania. For whatever reason, water has been a constant in my life and something that has always brought peace of mind.
This idea of clarity and where we find it is fascinating to me. You hear of people who wake up in the middle of the night, sit straight up in bed, and suddenly a situation they've struggled with makes perfect sense to them. You hear of others who have conversations with their God and are guided over the course of time to the clarity they seek. For me, the serenity of nature, particularly around water, has always provided me with the perspective I need.
As I sat at the lake and pondered this, I couldn't help but wonder if I conditioned myself over time to believe that water really brought me clarity or if the comforting presence of it allowed me to open the walls of my internal reservoir for a moment and let the waters of honesty flow forward from my soul? Just like a babbling brook becomes a raging river after a thunderstorm, the thoughts and emotions just rush out when I find myself in this peaceful environment. It's the place where I can take a true assessment of my life, my relationships, my career, friends, faith, and more, and feel true clarity in doing so.
I'm curious where others find clarity... Your hometown? A mountaintop? A shadowed library? What causes you to find so much comfort there that suddenly things just make sense? What do you do while there? Read, write, talk with someone? When, how, and where do things come together for you? I'd guess that almost all of us can immediately think of a specific place or thing. How often do you find yourself there? Daily, weekly? Or does the craziness of life leave those clear moments few and far between?
I left the lake tonight reminded that I need to get there more often. It doesn't have to be that lake, but I do need to make more time for myself to escape the hectic pace of life and intentionally step back in search of clarity and understanding. Water is, has been, and will be my place. What is yours?
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Some Other Beginning's End
Throughout our lives we're offered many opportunities to start anew. Whether it's going to college far from home, moving to the big city after graduation, starting a dream job, or entering into a new relationship, we can rest assured knowing that at some point we'll get the chance to start fresh again. While an amazing opportunity in so many ways, it also leaves us with the responsibility to make each new beginning better than the last.
It's a fact that I've had many new beginnings in my life. Whether looking at my job history, friends, or significant others, each new beginning has taught me something profound that I'll always carry with me. The new knowledge learned and life experiences gained have hopefully given us insight into what to do (or what not to do) next time around. This idea of new beginnings always reminds me of a quote from the 2001 movie, Vanilla Sky,
"Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around."
"Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around."
Many times the new beginnings in our lives occur outside of our control... our parents move us four states away when we're five years old, a boyfriend or girlfriend breaks up with us out of the blue, or a job is lost due to downsizing and budget cuts. Those situations, like so many others, happen beyond our control. But what about the new beginnings that we can control? What about those decisions that allow us to turn it all around?
I look around at my friends and loved ones and can't help but notice the number of chances we didn't take. Opportunities we've had to start fresh but instead let slip away due to fear of failure or the opinions of others or uncertainly in the unknown or lack of funds or going against the grain of society/family/friends, and so on, and so on... It's so much easier sometimes to just stick with the status quo, not change unless forced to, and shy away from new situations that require too much work.
I often consider the 22 year old version of myself. Fresh out of college, so much opportunity before her, full of ambition, energy, and optimism, yet deep down inside, terrified to start new. Leaving the safe bubble of college and friends, clinging to whatever semblance of "normalcy" that she could, making decisions based on others' expectations... if I could go back in time and give her a nice swift kick in the butt, I'd give it serious thought. But I know deep down inside I'd let her be. Let her handle the challenges that would follow, knowing that each new beginning beyond her control would ultimately prepare her to finally step out on her own and take a chance that was in her control. Take that chance to turn it all around for herself.
So I ask you this, what have you been wanting to do lately that would be your moment to turn it all around? Calling a long lost friend to make amends? Starting that new exercise plan? Taking a class to change your career? Saying hello to that stranger you saw at the coffee shop? Whatever it would be, I challenge you to take that chance. You'll never know your strength until you give yourself a shot to show it, and you'll never know your new beginnings until you take the chance to own them.
Yes, it can be scary. Yes, you might get turned down. And yes, it might mean something else has to end. But sometimes that's exactly what we need in order to grow into the person we were meant to become. What we learn from each new beginning is a reflection on our past. We acted this way, we said that thing, we rushed this stuff... we know better for next time, whether that next time is in two months, two years, or two decades. Don't be afraid of the new beginnings and don't be afraid of the endings that often accompany the new beginnings. As you face your fears and take control of your chances, remember the wise words of Semisonic, "...every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
I look around at my friends and loved ones and can't help but notice the number of chances we didn't take. Opportunities we've had to start fresh but instead let slip away due to fear of failure or the opinions of others or uncertainly in the unknown or lack of funds or going against the grain of society/family/friends, and so on, and so on... It's so much easier sometimes to just stick with the status quo, not change unless forced to, and shy away from new situations that require too much work.
I often consider the 22 year old version of myself. Fresh out of college, so much opportunity before her, full of ambition, energy, and optimism, yet deep down inside, terrified to start new. Leaving the safe bubble of college and friends, clinging to whatever semblance of "normalcy" that she could, making decisions based on others' expectations... if I could go back in time and give her a nice swift kick in the butt, I'd give it serious thought. But I know deep down inside I'd let her be. Let her handle the challenges that would follow, knowing that each new beginning beyond her control would ultimately prepare her to finally step out on her own and take a chance that was in her control. Take that chance to turn it all around for herself.
So I ask you this, what have you been wanting to do lately that would be your moment to turn it all around? Calling a long lost friend to make amends? Starting that new exercise plan? Taking a class to change your career? Saying hello to that stranger you saw at the coffee shop? Whatever it would be, I challenge you to take that chance. You'll never know your strength until you give yourself a shot to show it, and you'll never know your new beginnings until you take the chance to own them.
Yes, it can be scary. Yes, you might get turned down. And yes, it might mean something else has to end. But sometimes that's exactly what we need in order to grow into the person we were meant to become. What we learn from each new beginning is a reflection on our past. We acted this way, we said that thing, we rushed this stuff... we know better for next time, whether that next time is in two months, two years, or two decades. Don't be afraid of the new beginnings and don't be afraid of the endings that often accompany the new beginnings. As you face your fears and take control of your chances, remember the wise words of Semisonic, "...every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Finding Strength
Lately I've found myself thinking about strength... where we find it, how we cultivate it, and what it does for us. For many, many years I relied on inner strength to give me courage, confidence, and support. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do things on my own, relying solely on my inner strength to do so. This internal commitment eventually led to the construction of impenetrable walls, meant to keep out others who could harm me or hold me back from achieving what I wanted. I considered myself independent, strong, and self-reliant, only needing to look within to find the strength to tackle the challenges in front of me. While this inner strength has been there to guide tough decisions and calm jittery nerves, I've learned over the more recent months the importance of finding strength in other places.
As I mulled over this idea, I posed a question on Twitter asking where others found strength. It was interesting to read the replies and messages from people I know very well and those I've never even met in person. One person noted that she found strength in a spiritual group of friends and mentors. Another noted that he's found strength from a new friend who pushes him physically and mentally to be the best person he can be. Escaping to the city to immerse herself in the arts gave strength to one, while another found it in motivational quotes and lyrics of songs. A good friend of mine finds strength in family and returning home for respites, while another finds herself in prayer on a regular basis.
These multiple avenues to finding strength challenged me to consider how different circumstances require different responses. The strength to get up every morning, for many, comes from a career they love, motivation to finish a task they started yesterday, or to see the smiling face of their young child. The strength to make a difficult decision is found for many, on the other hand, through conversations with trusted friends, meditation or prayer to a higher power, or a commitment to one's morals and ethics. The thing that struck me most is how many people noted inner strength as being important but also made it a point to mention relationships and partners. We value our own drive and energy when it comes to finding strength, but deep down we really need the support and validation from others to make us feel content.
I ask you to look around and consider how you help others find strength. It's easy for us to look at ourselves and identify who, what, how, or where we develop our strength, but it's much harder to see how we're paying it forward to others. Humanity is built on relationships and relationships are built on trust, honesty, and supporting each other. Who around you is going through a difficult time? Who might be facing a challenging situation or decision? Who always says their okay but really is just yearning for someone to take the time to listen? Look around and find that person. Take some time to talk to them, ask questions, and give support or reassurance. You never know who might need that little bit of strength from you.
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
As I mulled over this idea, I posed a question on Twitter asking where others found strength. It was interesting to read the replies and messages from people I know very well and those I've never even met in person. One person noted that she found strength in a spiritual group of friends and mentors. Another noted that he's found strength from a new friend who pushes him physically and mentally to be the best person he can be. Escaping to the city to immerse herself in the arts gave strength to one, while another found it in motivational quotes and lyrics of songs. A good friend of mine finds strength in family and returning home for respites, while another finds herself in prayer on a regular basis.
These multiple avenues to finding strength challenged me to consider how different circumstances require different responses. The strength to get up every morning, for many, comes from a career they love, motivation to finish a task they started yesterday, or to see the smiling face of their young child. The strength to make a difficult decision is found for many, on the other hand, through conversations with trusted friends, meditation or prayer to a higher power, or a commitment to one's morals and ethics. The thing that struck me most is how many people noted inner strength as being important but also made it a point to mention relationships and partners. We value our own drive and energy when it comes to finding strength, but deep down we really need the support and validation from others to make us feel content.
I ask you to look around and consider how you help others find strength. It's easy for us to look at ourselves and identify who, what, how, or where we develop our strength, but it's much harder to see how we're paying it forward to others. Humanity is built on relationships and relationships are built on trust, honesty, and supporting each other. Who around you is going through a difficult time? Who might be facing a challenging situation or decision? Who always says their okay but really is just yearning for someone to take the time to listen? Look around and find that person. Take some time to talk to them, ask questions, and give support or reassurance. You never know who might need that little bit of strength from you.
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Expecting Reality
Tonight was a much needed girls' night out at the movies. It's always fun to get lost in a movie, even if just for two hours. I love one that can pull you in, fixate your attention, and make you forget about everything else in the world. This movie just did that, and while I wouldn't rush out to nominate it for an Oscar, it did get me thinking about expectations.
How many of us have created expectations for others in our lives? I'm going to go out on a limb here (call me crazy) and say that all of us, at some time or another, have set up expectations for friends, partners, colleagues, siblings, parents, etc, etc, etc. It's only natural to expect certain things from people at certain times. Some are reasonable expectations, ones that we all do. Others, however, are often so high or so outrageous that no one could ever truly live up to or achieve them. On top of that many of us also struggle to communicate those expectations with others.
So the movie tonight was a romantic drama, or as I like to call it, a "roma" (pronounced "rah-ma", not Roma like the Eternal City in Italy). I figure we call romantic comedies "rom coms" so why not a romantic drama a roma? I digress.
This movie got me thinking about the expectations we create for relationships. I can't speak for men, but I can certainly speak for a certain number of heterosexual women (myself included). We grow up watching these movies where men know exactly what to say and when to say it, exactly when to show up and what to do, and exactly how to reach right into our hearts and make us yearn for a man just like him.
What we fail to understand (at least until we've been burned one too many times) is that this just isn't realistic. Now hear me out before you go calling me a crazy woman who thinks no good men exist in this world. That's not it at all. I know better (and I know some pretty amazing men to prove it). What I do know is that these romanticized images of the knight in shining armor set up unrealistic expectations in our minds as to what a potential partner will be like.
We wonder what's wrong with us when our significant other doesn't show up with flowers at our doorstep just because it's a Thursday and he spent all day at work thinking about how much he missed us, or why he didn't remember that one time when you said you liked butterflies (which happened in passing, 7 months ago, and hasn't been mentioned since) so he didn't buy you that butterfly-themed journal that you walked by in an old bookstore two weeks ago when you were both in that cute little town down by the lake. Get what I'm saying here? These movies and TV shows that are meant to entertain us and provide an escape from our daily lives actually end up creating huge unwritten expectations. And the worst part of it is that sometimes we don't even realize ourselves that we're expecting those things, they simply become ingrained in our psyche until we find ourselves crying in the kitchen about how he didn't buy you anything with butterflies on it even though you've told him so many times that you love butterflies (false).
The point of this post is not to rant, but rather to ask you what your expectations are. Really take some time to think through what's realistic and what's not. What can you expect of someone else and, perhaps more importantly, what can they expect of you? When it all comes down it the only thing you can control is yourself. If you aren't willing to live up to the expectations you have of someone else, how can you ever expect your significant other to live up to them, as well?
Let's be clear on one thing - lowering your expectations does not mean lowering your standards. It means being able to effectively and appropriately communicate with the other person and never expect more than what you're willing to put in. It takes a team effort and a sincere appreciation for the other person. Chances are those extravagant things we see in movies aren't going to happen to us, but we can recognize and be thankful for the things that do happen. Your favorite color is purple and someone found a purple pen by chance and kept it to give to you? Might not be the same as writing 365 letters, one for every day he knew and loved you, but it's a pretty good place to start. And guess what... you were still on his mind, which is really all you wanted in the first place.
Keep watching the rom coms and ramas, I know I will, but let's agree to keep our expectations in the real world, and not in the one where Zac Efron magically shows up at our door.
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
How many of us have created expectations for others in our lives? I'm going to go out on a limb here (call me crazy) and say that all of us, at some time or another, have set up expectations for friends, partners, colleagues, siblings, parents, etc, etc, etc. It's only natural to expect certain things from people at certain times. Some are reasonable expectations, ones that we all do. Others, however, are often so high or so outrageous that no one could ever truly live up to or achieve them. On top of that many of us also struggle to communicate those expectations with others.
So the movie tonight was a romantic drama, or as I like to call it, a "roma" (pronounced "rah-ma", not Roma like the Eternal City in Italy). I figure we call romantic comedies "rom coms" so why not a romantic drama a roma? I digress.
This movie got me thinking about the expectations we create for relationships. I can't speak for men, but I can certainly speak for a certain number of heterosexual women (myself included). We grow up watching these movies where men know exactly what to say and when to say it, exactly when to show up and what to do, and exactly how to reach right into our hearts and make us yearn for a man just like him.
What we fail to understand (at least until we've been burned one too many times) is that this just isn't realistic. Now hear me out before you go calling me a crazy woman who thinks no good men exist in this world. That's not it at all. I know better (and I know some pretty amazing men to prove it). What I do know is that these romanticized images of the knight in shining armor set up unrealistic expectations in our minds as to what a potential partner will be like.
We wonder what's wrong with us when our significant other doesn't show up with flowers at our doorstep just because it's a Thursday and he spent all day at work thinking about how much he missed us, or why he didn't remember that one time when you said you liked butterflies (which happened in passing, 7 months ago, and hasn't been mentioned since) so he didn't buy you that butterfly-themed journal that you walked by in an old bookstore two weeks ago when you were both in that cute little town down by the lake. Get what I'm saying here? These movies and TV shows that are meant to entertain us and provide an escape from our daily lives actually end up creating huge unwritten expectations. And the worst part of it is that sometimes we don't even realize ourselves that we're expecting those things, they simply become ingrained in our psyche until we find ourselves crying in the kitchen about how he didn't buy you anything with butterflies on it even though you've told him so many times that you love butterflies (false).
The point of this post is not to rant, but rather to ask you what your expectations are. Really take some time to think through what's realistic and what's not. What can you expect of someone else and, perhaps more importantly, what can they expect of you? When it all comes down it the only thing you can control is yourself. If you aren't willing to live up to the expectations you have of someone else, how can you ever expect your significant other to live up to them, as well?
Let's be clear on one thing - lowering your expectations does not mean lowering your standards. It means being able to effectively and appropriately communicate with the other person and never expect more than what you're willing to put in. It takes a team effort and a sincere appreciation for the other person. Chances are those extravagant things we see in movies aren't going to happen to us, but we can recognize and be thankful for the things that do happen. Your favorite color is purple and someone found a purple pen by chance and kept it to give to you? Might not be the same as writing 365 letters, one for every day he knew and loved you, but it's a pretty good place to start. And guess what... you were still on his mind, which is really all you wanted in the first place.
Keep watching the rom coms and ramas, I know I will, but let's agree to keep our expectations in the real world, and not in the one where Zac Efron magically shows up at our door.
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Footprints on our Hearts
I've already written about my thoughts on the concept of "everything happens for a reason", but I wanted to expand on one aspect of that and talk specifically about people. The people that come into our lives at different times and through different avenues, and change who we are, how we view the world, and/or how we feel about ourselves.
There's a quote I remember reading back in high school and it's stuck with me all the years since:
"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same."
As I've grown up and changed careers, relationships, and states, I've reflected on this quote many times and for many different people. It seems more than just by chance that certain women and men have entered my life at certain times. Some stayed and continue to stay in my life, others were there for short periods of a few weeks, months, or years. Regardless of time, those people impacted my life in profound ways and I'm convinced I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.
Advisors and staff members in college, supervisors at work, graduate school classmates, colleagues in my field, friends (and sometimes enemies) from all parts of life, family members, etc - for so many I can pinpoint what I learned from them, what they brought to my life, and, in some cases, what I brought to theirs.
A few weeks ago someone I'm close with put out a challenge to friends to send a thank you note to a person or persons that impacted his/her life in some way but perhaps didn't know how significant that impact was. It was an out-of-the-blue challenge, but timely in its own way. I appreciated the thought put in to it and reflection it required on my part to discern whom to send the note. I ultimately decided on an early supervisor of mine. She taught me much more than I realized at the time and, to this day, has been the only direct female supervisor I've had (sad, but true). It felt good to sit down and write that note, one because it enabled me to truly articulate all that I learned in those two short years, but two because of the hope I had for the surprise and warmth she might feel as she read that card and heard what an impact she had on someone.
In the example of that supervisor, and in so many other examples, I know that people are placed into our lives for specific reasons, at specific times. I could go on and on, listing off person after person, at least from the past 15 years, who has impacted me in a significant way, and I'm certain you could do the same. Who are those people in your life? What did they do to change you? How are you a different person because of them? What would your life be like without their influence on it at that point in time? Do they know what they've meant to you?
It's important to point out that not all of these pivotal people came into our lives for good reasons. Some caused us frustration, anger, resentment, and distrust, but regardless of the challenges, they still taught us something and contributed in some way to the people we are today. It's often these "difficult" individuals that have had a bigger effect on us than others, as they've given us life lessons on what not to do next time or how to handle something differently in the future.
I've been fortunate to have several people enter my life at crucial moments over the years and each has blessed me with lessons, joys, humor, hope, kindness, compassion, and love. I'm thankful for each and every one of them and hope I've done my part to communicate that to them in some way. I hope you'll take the chance to think back on who those people are for you and do something to let them know your gratitude and appreciation.
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
There's a quote I remember reading back in high school and it's stuck with me all the years since:
"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same."
As I've grown up and changed careers, relationships, and states, I've reflected on this quote many times and for many different people. It seems more than just by chance that certain women and men have entered my life at certain times. Some stayed and continue to stay in my life, others were there for short periods of a few weeks, months, or years. Regardless of time, those people impacted my life in profound ways and I'm convinced I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.
Advisors and staff members in college, supervisors at work, graduate school classmates, colleagues in my field, friends (and sometimes enemies) from all parts of life, family members, etc - for so many I can pinpoint what I learned from them, what they brought to my life, and, in some cases, what I brought to theirs.
A few weeks ago someone I'm close with put out a challenge to friends to send a thank you note to a person or persons that impacted his/her life in some way but perhaps didn't know how significant that impact was. It was an out-of-the-blue challenge, but timely in its own way. I appreciated the thought put in to it and reflection it required on my part to discern whom to send the note. I ultimately decided on an early supervisor of mine. She taught me much more than I realized at the time and, to this day, has been the only direct female supervisor I've had (sad, but true). It felt good to sit down and write that note, one because it enabled me to truly articulate all that I learned in those two short years, but two because of the hope I had for the surprise and warmth she might feel as she read that card and heard what an impact she had on someone.
In the example of that supervisor, and in so many other examples, I know that people are placed into our lives for specific reasons, at specific times. I could go on and on, listing off person after person, at least from the past 15 years, who has impacted me in a significant way, and I'm certain you could do the same. Who are those people in your life? What did they do to change you? How are you a different person because of them? What would your life be like without their influence on it at that point in time? Do they know what they've meant to you?
It's important to point out that not all of these pivotal people came into our lives for good reasons. Some caused us frustration, anger, resentment, and distrust, but regardless of the challenges, they still taught us something and contributed in some way to the people we are today. It's often these "difficult" individuals that have had a bigger effect on us than others, as they've given us life lessons on what not to do next time or how to handle something differently in the future.
I've been fortunate to have several people enter my life at crucial moments over the years and each has blessed me with lessons, joys, humor, hope, kindness, compassion, and love. I'm thankful for each and every one of them and hope I've done my part to communicate that to them in some way. I hope you'll take the chance to think back on who those people are for you and do something to let them know your gratitude and appreciation.
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
The Tides of Happiness
Have you ever been in a position where every part of your life was going exactly how you wanted it? For most of the us, the answer is probably no. When your career is blossoming, your relationship is suffering. When your family is getting along great, your exercise plans are falling by the wayside. And so on, and so on... It often seems that we can never find happiness in all areas of our life at the same time. This is a struggle and challenge for us because all too often we end up focusing our time and energy on the areas that drain us, instead of devoting our attention to the areas that make us happy.
Road trips, whether short or long, have a way of prompting good conversation, particularly among people who just "get" each other. I found myself in this situation recently, having a conversation about the ebb and flow of happiness in our lives. Struggling with the constant ups and downs, I was frustrated that different parts of my life never seem to go well at the same time. Just when I think I've found balance and harmony, something happens that throws it all out of whack. With the amount of thought and reflection I put into almost everything I do, I was upset by the misalignment of happiness in portions of my life.
This car conversation, however, prompted me to consider my expectations of happiness. Is it truly realistic for us to think we'll ever find ourselves in a spot where everything is going our way? As an eternal optimist, I'd like to think so, but I've got to be honest with myself and say no.
Now don't take this as me switching up and going all pessimistic on you. Oh no, that's not it at all. What I'm saying, though, is that we can't live our lives expecting the stars to align and suddenly have everything fall into place. Life just doesn't work like that. Life constantly throws us curveballs, fastballs, and change-ups, forcing us to decide on a regular basis, should I swing, bunt, or just stand there (forgive the baseball references, the season just started and I'm a little excited)?
But if we're striving to find that happiness in every aspect of our lives, what should we do when we realize that's not necessarily going to happen? Well for starters, let's just accept it. Accept that happiness, just like the tides in the oceans, flows in and out. The beautiful thing with this, though, is that even when the tide rolls out, we know it'll roll back in again soon. Happiness does the same thing.
I like to use work as an example because I'm certain we've all had those days, yes, "those days" where we're just frustrated. Whether it's a project, a colleague, customer, or "other duty as assigned", we sometimes find ourselves questioning our passion, purpose, and even sanity for our chosen career. It's okay. That doesn't mean you should quit your job, travel the world for a year, and write a best-selling novel about how you found yourself (plus that storyline is already taken). What it does mean, however, is that when the work side isn't going as well, you need to find that happiness and energy in another side of your life.
Having a partner or friend to spend time with outside of work can help us re-focus our happiness and find ways to transfer that positive energy back to our job environment. If we have something to look forward to at the end of the day or the upcoming weekend, it's much easier to find that positivity in the office. But we must work at it by acknowledging our feelings and committing ourselves to try just a little bit harder.
The same can be said with almost everything in our lives. How often do we find ourselves in a new and exciting relationship with someone? Suddenly we want to spend every minute of every day with them. As we do so, our friendships are strained or our exercise plans disappear or fancy dinners out put an end to "watching what we eat". We find ourselves happy in this new relationship, but frustrated by friends who don't understand or the trainer who keeps calling because you've been missing mornings at the gym. "Why can't everything go right at the same time?", we say. Rather than focusing on the positive, we drown ourselves in negativity.
If we want to truly find happiness in all aspects of our lives, we need to use the things that are currently making us happy to change the things that aren't. Just like having something to look forward to at the end of a stressful work week will help make those hours in front of a spreadsheet go by just a bit easier, going on a run with your new beau will make that delicious dinner out a little easier to swallow and scheduling in ladies night will give balance to the "I can't go a second without you" clinginess of a new relationship.
Accept the fact that happiness will flow quickly or slowly at different times and in different areas of our lives. Commit yourself to focus that happiness, transfer it as needed, and bask in the opportunity and excitement of what's to come.
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
Road trips, whether short or long, have a way of prompting good conversation, particularly among people who just "get" each other. I found myself in this situation recently, having a conversation about the ebb and flow of happiness in our lives. Struggling with the constant ups and downs, I was frustrated that different parts of my life never seem to go well at the same time. Just when I think I've found balance and harmony, something happens that throws it all out of whack. With the amount of thought and reflection I put into almost everything I do, I was upset by the misalignment of happiness in portions of my life.
This car conversation, however, prompted me to consider my expectations of happiness. Is it truly realistic for us to think we'll ever find ourselves in a spot where everything is going our way? As an eternal optimist, I'd like to think so, but I've got to be honest with myself and say no.
Now don't take this as me switching up and going all pessimistic on you. Oh no, that's not it at all. What I'm saying, though, is that we can't live our lives expecting the stars to align and suddenly have everything fall into place. Life just doesn't work like that. Life constantly throws us curveballs, fastballs, and change-ups, forcing us to decide on a regular basis, should I swing, bunt, or just stand there (forgive the baseball references, the season just started and I'm a little excited)?
But if we're striving to find that happiness in every aspect of our lives, what should we do when we realize that's not necessarily going to happen? Well for starters, let's just accept it. Accept that happiness, just like the tides in the oceans, flows in and out. The beautiful thing with this, though, is that even when the tide rolls out, we know it'll roll back in again soon. Happiness does the same thing.
I like to use work as an example because I'm certain we've all had those days, yes, "those days" where we're just frustrated. Whether it's a project, a colleague, customer, or "other duty as assigned", we sometimes find ourselves questioning our passion, purpose, and even sanity for our chosen career. It's okay. That doesn't mean you should quit your job, travel the world for a year, and write a best-selling novel about how you found yourself (plus that storyline is already taken). What it does mean, however, is that when the work side isn't going as well, you need to find that happiness and energy in another side of your life.
Having a partner or friend to spend time with outside of work can help us re-focus our happiness and find ways to transfer that positive energy back to our job environment. If we have something to look forward to at the end of the day or the upcoming weekend, it's much easier to find that positivity in the office. But we must work at it by acknowledging our feelings and committing ourselves to try just a little bit harder.
The same can be said with almost everything in our lives. How often do we find ourselves in a new and exciting relationship with someone? Suddenly we want to spend every minute of every day with them. As we do so, our friendships are strained or our exercise plans disappear or fancy dinners out put an end to "watching what we eat". We find ourselves happy in this new relationship, but frustrated by friends who don't understand or the trainer who keeps calling because you've been missing mornings at the gym. "Why can't everything go right at the same time?", we say. Rather than focusing on the positive, we drown ourselves in negativity.
If we want to truly find happiness in all aspects of our lives, we need to use the things that are currently making us happy to change the things that aren't. Just like having something to look forward to at the end of a stressful work week will help make those hours in front of a spreadsheet go by just a bit easier, going on a run with your new beau will make that delicious dinner out a little easier to swallow and scheduling in ladies night will give balance to the "I can't go a second without you" clinginess of a new relationship.
Accept the fact that happiness will flow quickly or slowly at different times and in different areas of our lives. Commit yourself to focus that happiness, transfer it as needed, and bask in the opportunity and excitement of what's to come.
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Making Sense of the Reasons
For many years I've been a dedicated follower of the old adage, "Everything happens for a reason". I used it to justify why things didn't work out the way I had hoped, why I met certain people at certain times in my life, and why some opportunities appeared at the wrong time (or right time). It was a calming reminder to have faith and confidence in what was going on in my life.
As I've grown older (and somewhat wiser), my understanding of this phrase has expanded. Looking back on my almost 29 years, it is evident to me that things HAVE happened for a reason, but the reasoning and timing are often much deeper than we give credit.
I was talking to a friend recently about how everything that happens to us prepares us for something in the future. Consider your relationships... What have you learned from your friends? Significant others? Family members? Colleagues? What interactions frustrated you? Excited you? Challenged you? Each relationship teaches us something about how to treat others, how to handle certain situations, or how to react in the future. The relationships that burn us teach what mistakes to avoid in the future. The relationships that prosper teach us how to grow and cultivate trust, honesty, and love.
What about your jobs, work situations, or volunteer roles? How has each one prepared you for the next? What incidences with your peers or bosses have taught you about management or supervision? Whether we switch career fields 10 times or stay in the same industry for 40 years, each position inevitably gives us something to take forward to the next. For some it's knowing how to interact more successfully in a team environment, while for others it's how not to manage a major project on a tight deadline. The good, the bad, and the ugly all give reason and education that we can and should take forward with us both in the office and at home.
Believing that "Everything happens for a reason" doesn't make us naive. It means we take on the task of examining and reflecting on those events and identifying what lessons we can learn from them. Often times we can't figure out the reason(s) until years or even decades later. Other times it takes just a simple walk or 30 minutes of journaling to come to a conclusion. The key part, though, is truly taking the time to look back on the situation and review it from a clear lens.
What have you learned from your past experiences? What makes you believe that everything happens for a reason? How do you take the time to reflect and learn? I challenge you to spend some time today reflecting back on your life and examining what you've gained from these experiences. Think about the growth you've witnessed in yourself and the way each event, person, or position has taught you something for the future. It's likely that, whether you realize it or not, each of those items has shaped you into the person you are today and given reason for why things worked out or didn't work out when we wanted them to...
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
As I've grown older (and somewhat wiser), my understanding of this phrase has expanded. Looking back on my almost 29 years, it is evident to me that things HAVE happened for a reason, but the reasoning and timing are often much deeper than we give credit.
I was talking to a friend recently about how everything that happens to us prepares us for something in the future. Consider your relationships... What have you learned from your friends? Significant others? Family members? Colleagues? What interactions frustrated you? Excited you? Challenged you? Each relationship teaches us something about how to treat others, how to handle certain situations, or how to react in the future. The relationships that burn us teach what mistakes to avoid in the future. The relationships that prosper teach us how to grow and cultivate trust, honesty, and love.
What about your jobs, work situations, or volunteer roles? How has each one prepared you for the next? What incidences with your peers or bosses have taught you about management or supervision? Whether we switch career fields 10 times or stay in the same industry for 40 years, each position inevitably gives us something to take forward to the next. For some it's knowing how to interact more successfully in a team environment, while for others it's how not to manage a major project on a tight deadline. The good, the bad, and the ugly all give reason and education that we can and should take forward with us both in the office and at home.
Believing that "Everything happens for a reason" doesn't make us naive. It means we take on the task of examining and reflecting on those events and identifying what lessons we can learn from them. Often times we can't figure out the reason(s) until years or even decades later. Other times it takes just a simple walk or 30 minutes of journaling to come to a conclusion. The key part, though, is truly taking the time to look back on the situation and review it from a clear lens.
What have you learned from your past experiences? What makes you believe that everything happens for a reason? How do you take the time to reflect and learn? I challenge you to spend some time today reflecting back on your life and examining what you've gained from these experiences. Think about the growth you've witnessed in yourself and the way each event, person, or position has taught you something for the future. It's likely that, whether you realize it or not, each of those items has shaped you into the person you are today and given reason for why things worked out or didn't work out when we wanted them to...
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
Friday, March 30, 2012
The Confidence Conundrum
I remember growing up and being told that I could do anything and be anything that I wanted.
From an early age I was given the confidence to tackle any challenge in front of me. I took that idea literally and throughout my childhood attempted almost every sport and activity conceivable. I played soccer, softball, and basketball. I took dance lessons, gymnastics lessons, and baton lessons. I tried tennis, swimming, and golf. I even had a stint playing the flute (didn't turn out so well). I tried it all in search of the one hobby that would come naturally. While I never found the talent that would make me an Olympic champion, I enjoyed the opportunity to be active, spend time with my friends, and learn something new. And I never thought twice about trying that something new.
Why mention this story when writing a post about confidence? Well, at some point or another, it seems as though young girls' unstoppable confidence in themselves does just the opposite... stops. Whether it's the awkwardness of middle school, the drama of high school, or the strange things taking place as our hips grow wider and hair gets frizzier (oh, that only happened to me?), at one age or another we somehow lose sight of that confidence in ourselves.
How that translates into our adult life is overwhelming and scary. Too many young women enter college and ultimately the "real world" truly lacking in self-confidence. We base our opinion of our self on what other people say, think, feel, and do. We look to our friends, family, professors, and coaches to tell us how to act, what decisions to make, and who to allow into our lives. We struggle to find our inner voice as we strive to gain acceptance and recognition by those we love and admire.
I'm guilty of being sucked down the self-confidence drain. Despite all the opportunities of my youth, I spent a good portion of my twenties living the life others expected of me. I paraded around as a strong, independent woman, when in all reality I fell right into the traditional storyline. Educated and bright, I thought I was making the best decisions for me, but I lost sight of who "me" really was. Fortunately, I've worked very hard to turn that around and as I head into the twilight of my twenties with the big 3-0 starring me down, I can confidently say I found myself again.
But how did I do that? And how can you do that?
Well, first off, you have to realize for yourself where you are, what you're doing, and what you truly want. This is by far the hardest part. Wading through the opinions and expectations of others, you can easily get caught up in what you think is your voice but is really just the thoughts of friends, family, and society ingrained in your mind. I recommend working through this step with someone - a counselor, mentor, trusted friend - someone willing to be brutally honest with you on even the toughest of issues and push you to find your inner voice.
Once you clear that hurdle (or are at least make it halfway around the track), take some time to get to know yourself. This might sound funny, but it's essential in regaining your confidence. What are you good at? What comes naturally? What makes you smile? Gets you up in the morning? Drives you to succeed? From the big things to the small things, think about what really makes you tick. While I relied on an outside perspective to help with the first part, this getting to know myself stuff was greatly aided by a new-found love for running. Surprisingly, running was not something I tried in my youth (well, except as I wheezed running up and down the soccer field), but it quickly became my best time to do some thinking. I mulled over the things that brought me joy and the things that brought me pain as I clocked mile after mile in my trusty Mizuno's (this is not a paid endorsement for any brand of running shoes, although I'm open to the opportunity).
The tricky thing about the second phase is that it really never ends. It has to be something you continue to do. Stay in tune with your thoughts, your strengths, your passions, and re-evaluate them on a regular basis. As I progressed forward, I found my confidence skyrocketing. Suddenly I was making decisions for myself based on what I thought and what I believed. It wasn't that I didn't care what my friends and family thought; it was that I learned to have confidence in myself and what I believed was the best thing for me.
So how do we work to eliminate the confidence gap that plagues so many girls in their adolescence? Great question. While my Master's degree is in college student development, I'm pretty confident (get it?) that we need to provide opportunities for teens to think for themselves. Part-time jobs, volunteer opportunities, class officers, etc - give girls the chance to succeed (and fail). Encourage them in their journey, challenge them to think independently, and check yourself whenever you start to give someone younger than you advice on what you think is best for them. We certainly want to pass along our knowledge, but we also must be cognizant of how often and in what manner we do so.
Confidence is a tricky thing. It takes years to build, but only seconds to lose. While I might not be singing on Broadway right now (despite that spin in "Anything Goes" in high school), I do know that I can still rock the socks off a tap routine in my kitchen. While I wish I didn't lose those years of confidence in myself, I'm thankful for the person I am today and the lessons I continue to learn.
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
From an early age I was given the confidence to tackle any challenge in front of me. I took that idea literally and throughout my childhood attempted almost every sport and activity conceivable. I played soccer, softball, and basketball. I took dance lessons, gymnastics lessons, and baton lessons. I tried tennis, swimming, and golf. I even had a stint playing the flute (didn't turn out so well). I tried it all in search of the one hobby that would come naturally. While I never found the talent that would make me an Olympic champion, I enjoyed the opportunity to be active, spend time with my friends, and learn something new. And I never thought twice about trying that something new.
Why mention this story when writing a post about confidence? Well, at some point or another, it seems as though young girls' unstoppable confidence in themselves does just the opposite... stops. Whether it's the awkwardness of middle school, the drama of high school, or the strange things taking place as our hips grow wider and hair gets frizzier (oh, that only happened to me?), at one age or another we somehow lose sight of that confidence in ourselves.
How that translates into our adult life is overwhelming and scary. Too many young women enter college and ultimately the "real world" truly lacking in self-confidence. We base our opinion of our self on what other people say, think, feel, and do. We look to our friends, family, professors, and coaches to tell us how to act, what decisions to make, and who to allow into our lives. We struggle to find our inner voice as we strive to gain acceptance and recognition by those we love and admire.
I'm guilty of being sucked down the self-confidence drain. Despite all the opportunities of my youth, I spent a good portion of my twenties living the life others expected of me. I paraded around as a strong, independent woman, when in all reality I fell right into the traditional storyline. Educated and bright, I thought I was making the best decisions for me, but I lost sight of who "me" really was. Fortunately, I've worked very hard to turn that around and as I head into the twilight of my twenties with the big 3-0 starring me down, I can confidently say I found myself again.
But how did I do that? And how can you do that?
Well, first off, you have to realize for yourself where you are, what you're doing, and what you truly want. This is by far the hardest part. Wading through the opinions and expectations of others, you can easily get caught up in what you think is your voice but is really just the thoughts of friends, family, and society ingrained in your mind. I recommend working through this step with someone - a counselor, mentor, trusted friend - someone willing to be brutally honest with you on even the toughest of issues and push you to find your inner voice.
Once you clear that hurdle (or are at least make it halfway around the track), take some time to get to know yourself. This might sound funny, but it's essential in regaining your confidence. What are you good at? What comes naturally? What makes you smile? Gets you up in the morning? Drives you to succeed? From the big things to the small things, think about what really makes you tick. While I relied on an outside perspective to help with the first part, this getting to know myself stuff was greatly aided by a new-found love for running. Surprisingly, running was not something I tried in my youth (well, except as I wheezed running up and down the soccer field), but it quickly became my best time to do some thinking. I mulled over the things that brought me joy and the things that brought me pain as I clocked mile after mile in my trusty Mizuno's (this is not a paid endorsement for any brand of running shoes, although I'm open to the opportunity).
The tricky thing about the second phase is that it really never ends. It has to be something you continue to do. Stay in tune with your thoughts, your strengths, your passions, and re-evaluate them on a regular basis. As I progressed forward, I found my confidence skyrocketing. Suddenly I was making decisions for myself based on what I thought and what I believed. It wasn't that I didn't care what my friends and family thought; it was that I learned to have confidence in myself and what I believed was the best thing for me.
So how do we work to eliminate the confidence gap that plagues so many girls in their adolescence? Great question. While my Master's degree is in college student development, I'm pretty confident (get it?) that we need to provide opportunities for teens to think for themselves. Part-time jobs, volunteer opportunities, class officers, etc - give girls the chance to succeed (and fail). Encourage them in their journey, challenge them to think independently, and check yourself whenever you start to give someone younger than you advice on what you think is best for them. We certainly want to pass along our knowledge, but we also must be cognizant of how often and in what manner we do so.
Confidence is a tricky thing. It takes years to build, but only seconds to lose. While I might not be singing on Broadway right now (despite that spin in "Anything Goes" in high school), I do know that I can still rock the socks off a tap routine in my kitchen. While I wish I didn't lose those years of confidence in myself, I'm thankful for the person I am today and the lessons I continue to learn.
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)