Tonight was a much needed girls' night out at the movies. It's always fun to get lost in a movie, even if just for two hours. I love one that can pull you in, fixate your attention, and make you forget about everything else in the world. This movie just did that, and while I wouldn't rush out to nominate it for an Oscar, it did get me thinking about expectations.
How many of us have created expectations for others in our lives? I'm going to go out on a limb here (call me crazy) and say that all of us, at some time or another, have set up expectations for friends, partners, colleagues, siblings, parents, etc, etc, etc. It's only natural to expect certain things from people at certain times. Some are reasonable expectations, ones that we all do. Others, however, are often so high or so outrageous that no one could ever truly live up to or achieve them. On top of that many of us also struggle to communicate those expectations with others.
So the movie tonight was a romantic drama, or as I like to call it, a "roma" (pronounced "rah-ma", not Roma like the Eternal City in Italy). I figure we call romantic comedies "rom coms" so why not a romantic drama a roma? I digress.
This movie got me thinking about the expectations we create for relationships. I can't speak for men, but I can certainly speak for a certain number of heterosexual women (myself included). We grow up watching these movies where men know exactly what to say and when to say it, exactly when to show up and what to do, and exactly how to reach right into our hearts and make us yearn for a man just like him.
What we fail to understand (at least until we've been burned one too many times) is that this just isn't realistic. Now hear me out before you go calling me a crazy woman who thinks no good men exist in this world. That's not it at all. I know better (and I know some pretty amazing men to prove it). What I do know is that these romanticized images of the knight in shining armor set up unrealistic expectations in our minds as to what a potential partner will be like.
We wonder what's wrong with us when our significant other doesn't show up with flowers at our doorstep just because it's a Thursday and he spent all day at work thinking about how much he missed us, or why he didn't remember that one time when you said you liked butterflies (which happened in passing, 7 months ago, and hasn't been mentioned since) so he didn't buy you that butterfly-themed journal that you walked by in an old bookstore two weeks ago when you were both in that cute little town down by the lake. Get what I'm saying here? These movies and TV shows that are meant to entertain us and provide an escape from our daily lives actually end up creating huge unwritten expectations. And the worst part of it is that sometimes we don't even realize ourselves that we're expecting those things, they simply become ingrained in our psyche until we find ourselves crying in the kitchen about how he didn't buy you anything with butterflies on it even though you've told him so many times that you love butterflies (false).
The point of this post is not to rant, but rather to ask you what your expectations are. Really take some time to think through what's realistic and what's not. What can you expect of someone else and, perhaps more importantly, what can they expect of you? When it all comes down it the only thing you can control is yourself. If you aren't willing to live up to the expectations you have of someone else, how can you ever expect your significant other to live up to them, as well?
Let's be clear on one thing - lowering your expectations does not mean lowering your standards. It means being able to effectively and appropriately communicate with the other person and never expect more than what you're willing to put in. It takes a team effort and a sincere appreciation for the other person. Chances are those extravagant things we see in movies aren't going to happen to us, but we can recognize and be thankful for the things that do happen. Your favorite color is purple and someone found a purple pen by chance and kept it to give to you? Might not be the same as writing 365 letters, one for every day he knew and loved you, but it's a pretty good place to start. And guess what... you were still on his mind, which is really all you wanted in the first place.
Keep watching the rom coms and ramas, I know I will, but let's agree to keep our expectations in the real world, and not in the one where Zac Efron magically shows up at our door.
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
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