The Confidence Conundrum

I remember growing up and being told that I could do anything and be anything that I wanted.

From an early age I was given the confidence to tackle any challenge in front of me. I took that idea literally and throughout my childhood attempted almost every sport and activity conceivable. I played soccer, softball, and basketball. I took dance lessons, gymnastics lessons, and baton lessons. I tried tennis, swimming, and golf. I even had a stint playing the flute (didn't turn out so well). I tried it all in search of the one hobby that would come naturally. While I never found the talent that would make me an Olympic champion, I enjoyed the opportunity to be active, spend time with my friends, and learn something new. And I never thought twice about trying that something new.

Why mention this story when writing a post about confidence? Well, at some point or another, it seems as though young girls' unstoppable confidence in themselves does just the opposite... stops. Whether it's the awkwardness of middle school, the drama of high school, or the strange things taking place as our hips grow wider and hair gets frizzier (oh, that only happened to me?), at one age or another we somehow lose sight of that confidence in ourselves.

How that translates into our adult life is overwhelming and scary. Too many young women enter college and ultimately the "real world" truly lacking in self-confidence. We base our opinion of our self on what other people say, think, feel, and do. We look to our friends, family, professors, and coaches to tell us how to act, what decisions to make, and who to allow into our lives. We struggle to find our inner voice as we strive to gain acceptance and recognition by those we love and admire.

I'm guilty of being sucked down the self-confidence drain. Despite all the opportunities of my youth, I spent a good portion of my twenties living the life others expected of me. I paraded around as a strong, independent woman, when in all reality I fell right into the traditional storyline. Educated and bright, I thought I was making the best decisions for me, but I lost sight of who "me" really was. Fortunately, I've worked very hard to turn that around and as I head into the twilight of my twenties with the big 3-0 starring me down, I can confidently say I found myself again.

But how did I do that? And how can you do that?

Well, first off, you have to realize for yourself where you are, what you're doing, and what you truly want. This is by far the hardest part. Wading through the opinions and expectations of others, you can easily get caught up in what you think is your voice but is really just the thoughts of friends, family, and society ingrained in your mind. I recommend working through this step with someone - a counselor, mentor, trusted friend - someone willing to be brutally honest with you on even the toughest of issues and push you to find your inner voice.

Once you clear that hurdle (or are at least make it halfway around the track), take some time to get to know yourself. This might sound funny, but it's essential in regaining your confidence. What are you good at? What comes naturally? What makes you smile? Gets you up in the morning? Drives you to succeed? From the big things to the small things, think about what really makes you tick. While I relied on an outside perspective to help with the first part, this getting to know myself stuff was greatly aided by a new-found love for running. Surprisingly, running was not something I tried in my youth (well, except as I wheezed running up and down the soccer field), but it quickly became my best time to do some thinking. I mulled over the things that brought me joy and the things that brought me pain as I clocked mile after mile in my trusty Mizuno's (this is not a paid endorsement for any brand of running shoes, although I'm open to the opportunity).

The tricky thing about the second phase is that it really never ends. It has to be something you continue to do. Stay in tune with your thoughts, your strengths, your passions, and re-evaluate them on a regular basis. As I progressed forward, I found my confidence skyrocketing. Suddenly I was making decisions for myself based on what I thought and what I believed. It wasn't that I didn't care what my friends and family thought; it was that I learned to have confidence in myself and what I believed was the best thing for me.

So how do we work to eliminate the confidence gap that plagues so many girls in their adolescence? Great question. While my Master's degree is in college student development, I'm pretty confident (get it?) that we need to provide opportunities for teens to think for themselves. Part-time jobs, volunteer opportunities, class officers, etc - give girls the chance to succeed (and fail). Encourage them in their journey, challenge them to think independently, and check yourself whenever you start to give someone younger than you advice on what you think is best for them. We certainly want to pass along our knowledge, but we also must be cognizant of how often and in what manner we do so.

Confidence is a tricky thing. It takes years to build, but only seconds to lose. While I might not be singing on Broadway right now (despite that spin in "Anything Goes" in high school), I do know that I can still rock the socks off a tap routine in my kitchen. While I wish I didn't lose those years of confidence in myself, I'm thankful for the person I am today and the lessons I continue to learn.

Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.