Tonight was a much needed girls' night out at the movies. It's always fun to get lost in a movie, even if just for two hours. I love one that can pull you in, fixate your attention, and make you forget about everything else in the world. This movie just did that, and while I wouldn't rush out to nominate it for an Oscar, it did get me thinking about expectations.
How many of us have created expectations for others in our lives? I'm going to go out on a limb here (call me crazy) and say that all of us, at some time or another, have set up expectations for friends, partners, colleagues, siblings, parents, etc, etc, etc. It's only natural to expect certain things from people at certain times. Some are reasonable expectations, ones that we all do. Others, however, are often so high or so outrageous that no one could ever truly live up to or achieve them. On top of that many of us also struggle to communicate those expectations with others.
So the movie tonight was a romantic drama, or as I like to call it, a "roma" (pronounced "rah-ma", not Roma like the Eternal City in Italy). I figure we call romantic comedies "rom coms" so why not a romantic drama a roma? I digress.
This movie got me thinking about the expectations we create for relationships. I can't speak for men, but I can certainly speak for a certain number of heterosexual women (myself included). We grow up watching these movies where men know exactly what to say and when to say it, exactly when to show up and what to do, and exactly how to reach right into our hearts and make us yearn for a man just like him.
What we fail to understand (at least until we've been burned one too many times) is that this just isn't realistic. Now hear me out before you go calling me a crazy woman who thinks no good men exist in this world. That's not it at all. I know better (and I know some pretty amazing men to prove it). What I do know is that these romanticized images of the knight in shining armor set up unrealistic expectations in our minds as to what a potential partner will be like.
We wonder what's wrong with us when our significant other doesn't show up with flowers at our doorstep just because it's a Thursday and he spent all day at work thinking about how much he missed us, or why he didn't remember that one time when you said you liked butterflies (which happened in passing, 7 months ago, and hasn't been mentioned since) so he didn't buy you that butterfly-themed journal that you walked by in an old bookstore two weeks ago when you were both in that cute little town down by the lake. Get what I'm saying here? These movies and TV shows that are meant to entertain us and provide an escape from our daily lives actually end up creating huge unwritten expectations. And the worst part of it is that sometimes we don't even realize ourselves that we're expecting those things, they simply become ingrained in our psyche until we find ourselves crying in the kitchen about how he didn't buy you anything with butterflies on it even though you've told him so many times that you love butterflies (false).
The point of this post is not to rant, but rather to ask you what your expectations are. Really take some time to think through what's realistic and what's not. What can you expect of someone else and, perhaps more importantly, what can they expect of you? When it all comes down it the only thing you can control is yourself. If you aren't willing to live up to the expectations you have of someone else, how can you ever expect your significant other to live up to them, as well?
Let's be clear on one thing - lowering your expectations does not mean lowering your standards. It means being able to effectively and appropriately communicate with the other person and never expect more than what you're willing to put in. It takes a team effort and a sincere appreciation for the other person. Chances are those extravagant things we see in movies aren't going to happen to us, but we can recognize and be thankful for the things that do happen. Your favorite color is purple and someone found a purple pen by chance and kept it to give to you? Might not be the same as writing 365 letters, one for every day he knew and loved you, but it's a pretty good place to start. And guess what... you were still on his mind, which is really all you wanted in the first place.
Keep watching the rom coms and ramas, I know I will, but let's agree to keep our expectations in the real world, and not in the one where Zac Efron magically shows up at our door.
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Footprints on our Hearts
I've already written about my thoughts on the concept of "everything happens for a reason", but I wanted to expand on one aspect of that and talk specifically about people. The people that come into our lives at different times and through different avenues, and change who we are, how we view the world, and/or how we feel about ourselves.
There's a quote I remember reading back in high school and it's stuck with me all the years since:
"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same."
As I've grown up and changed careers, relationships, and states, I've reflected on this quote many times and for many different people. It seems more than just by chance that certain women and men have entered my life at certain times. Some stayed and continue to stay in my life, others were there for short periods of a few weeks, months, or years. Regardless of time, those people impacted my life in profound ways and I'm convinced I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.
Advisors and staff members in college, supervisors at work, graduate school classmates, colleagues in my field, friends (and sometimes enemies) from all parts of life, family members, etc - for so many I can pinpoint what I learned from them, what they brought to my life, and, in some cases, what I brought to theirs.
A few weeks ago someone I'm close with put out a challenge to friends to send a thank you note to a person or persons that impacted his/her life in some way but perhaps didn't know how significant that impact was. It was an out-of-the-blue challenge, but timely in its own way. I appreciated the thought put in to it and reflection it required on my part to discern whom to send the note. I ultimately decided on an early supervisor of mine. She taught me much more than I realized at the time and, to this day, has been the only direct female supervisor I've had (sad, but true). It felt good to sit down and write that note, one because it enabled me to truly articulate all that I learned in those two short years, but two because of the hope I had for the surprise and warmth she might feel as she read that card and heard what an impact she had on someone.
In the example of that supervisor, and in so many other examples, I know that people are placed into our lives for specific reasons, at specific times. I could go on and on, listing off person after person, at least from the past 15 years, who has impacted me in a significant way, and I'm certain you could do the same. Who are those people in your life? What did they do to change you? How are you a different person because of them? What would your life be like without their influence on it at that point in time? Do they know what they've meant to you?
It's important to point out that not all of these pivotal people came into our lives for good reasons. Some caused us frustration, anger, resentment, and distrust, but regardless of the challenges, they still taught us something and contributed in some way to the people we are today. It's often these "difficult" individuals that have had a bigger effect on us than others, as they've given us life lessons on what not to do next time or how to handle something differently in the future.
I've been fortunate to have several people enter my life at crucial moments over the years and each has blessed me with lessons, joys, humor, hope, kindness, compassion, and love. I'm thankful for each and every one of them and hope I've done my part to communicate that to them in some way. I hope you'll take the chance to think back on who those people are for you and do something to let them know your gratitude and appreciation.
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
There's a quote I remember reading back in high school and it's stuck with me all the years since:
"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same."
As I've grown up and changed careers, relationships, and states, I've reflected on this quote many times and for many different people. It seems more than just by chance that certain women and men have entered my life at certain times. Some stayed and continue to stay in my life, others were there for short periods of a few weeks, months, or years. Regardless of time, those people impacted my life in profound ways and I'm convinced I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.
Advisors and staff members in college, supervisors at work, graduate school classmates, colleagues in my field, friends (and sometimes enemies) from all parts of life, family members, etc - for so many I can pinpoint what I learned from them, what they brought to my life, and, in some cases, what I brought to theirs.
A few weeks ago someone I'm close with put out a challenge to friends to send a thank you note to a person or persons that impacted his/her life in some way but perhaps didn't know how significant that impact was. It was an out-of-the-blue challenge, but timely in its own way. I appreciated the thought put in to it and reflection it required on my part to discern whom to send the note. I ultimately decided on an early supervisor of mine. She taught me much more than I realized at the time and, to this day, has been the only direct female supervisor I've had (sad, but true). It felt good to sit down and write that note, one because it enabled me to truly articulate all that I learned in those two short years, but two because of the hope I had for the surprise and warmth she might feel as she read that card and heard what an impact she had on someone.
In the example of that supervisor, and in so many other examples, I know that people are placed into our lives for specific reasons, at specific times. I could go on and on, listing off person after person, at least from the past 15 years, who has impacted me in a significant way, and I'm certain you could do the same. Who are those people in your life? What did they do to change you? How are you a different person because of them? What would your life be like without their influence on it at that point in time? Do they know what they've meant to you?
It's important to point out that not all of these pivotal people came into our lives for good reasons. Some caused us frustration, anger, resentment, and distrust, but regardless of the challenges, they still taught us something and contributed in some way to the people we are today. It's often these "difficult" individuals that have had a bigger effect on us than others, as they've given us life lessons on what not to do next time or how to handle something differently in the future.
I've been fortunate to have several people enter my life at crucial moments over the years and each has blessed me with lessons, joys, humor, hope, kindness, compassion, and love. I'm thankful for each and every one of them and hope I've done my part to communicate that to them in some way. I hope you'll take the chance to think back on who those people are for you and do something to let them know your gratitude and appreciation.
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
The Tides of Happiness
Have you ever been in a position where every part of your life was going exactly how you wanted it? For most of the us, the answer is probably no. When your career is blossoming, your relationship is suffering. When your family is getting along great, your exercise plans are falling by the wayside. And so on, and so on... It often seems that we can never find happiness in all areas of our life at the same time. This is a struggle and challenge for us because all too often we end up focusing our time and energy on the areas that drain us, instead of devoting our attention to the areas that make us happy.
Road trips, whether short or long, have a way of prompting good conversation, particularly among people who just "get" each other. I found myself in this situation recently, having a conversation about the ebb and flow of happiness in our lives. Struggling with the constant ups and downs, I was frustrated that different parts of my life never seem to go well at the same time. Just when I think I've found balance and harmony, something happens that throws it all out of whack. With the amount of thought and reflection I put into almost everything I do, I was upset by the misalignment of happiness in portions of my life.
This car conversation, however, prompted me to consider my expectations of happiness. Is it truly realistic for us to think we'll ever find ourselves in a spot where everything is going our way? As an eternal optimist, I'd like to think so, but I've got to be honest with myself and say no.
Now don't take this as me switching up and going all pessimistic on you. Oh no, that's not it at all. What I'm saying, though, is that we can't live our lives expecting the stars to align and suddenly have everything fall into place. Life just doesn't work like that. Life constantly throws us curveballs, fastballs, and change-ups, forcing us to decide on a regular basis, should I swing, bunt, or just stand there (forgive the baseball references, the season just started and I'm a little excited)?
But if we're striving to find that happiness in every aspect of our lives, what should we do when we realize that's not necessarily going to happen? Well for starters, let's just accept it. Accept that happiness, just like the tides in the oceans, flows in and out. The beautiful thing with this, though, is that even when the tide rolls out, we know it'll roll back in again soon. Happiness does the same thing.
I like to use work as an example because I'm certain we've all had those days, yes, "those days" where we're just frustrated. Whether it's a project, a colleague, customer, or "other duty as assigned", we sometimes find ourselves questioning our passion, purpose, and even sanity for our chosen career. It's okay. That doesn't mean you should quit your job, travel the world for a year, and write a best-selling novel about how you found yourself (plus that storyline is already taken). What it does mean, however, is that when the work side isn't going as well, you need to find that happiness and energy in another side of your life.
Having a partner or friend to spend time with outside of work can help us re-focus our happiness and find ways to transfer that positive energy back to our job environment. If we have something to look forward to at the end of the day or the upcoming weekend, it's much easier to find that positivity in the office. But we must work at it by acknowledging our feelings and committing ourselves to try just a little bit harder.
The same can be said with almost everything in our lives. How often do we find ourselves in a new and exciting relationship with someone? Suddenly we want to spend every minute of every day with them. As we do so, our friendships are strained or our exercise plans disappear or fancy dinners out put an end to "watching what we eat". We find ourselves happy in this new relationship, but frustrated by friends who don't understand or the trainer who keeps calling because you've been missing mornings at the gym. "Why can't everything go right at the same time?", we say. Rather than focusing on the positive, we drown ourselves in negativity.
If we want to truly find happiness in all aspects of our lives, we need to use the things that are currently making us happy to change the things that aren't. Just like having something to look forward to at the end of a stressful work week will help make those hours in front of a spreadsheet go by just a bit easier, going on a run with your new beau will make that delicious dinner out a little easier to swallow and scheduling in ladies night will give balance to the "I can't go a second without you" clinginess of a new relationship.
Accept the fact that happiness will flow quickly or slowly at different times and in different areas of our lives. Commit yourself to focus that happiness, transfer it as needed, and bask in the opportunity and excitement of what's to come.
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
Road trips, whether short or long, have a way of prompting good conversation, particularly among people who just "get" each other. I found myself in this situation recently, having a conversation about the ebb and flow of happiness in our lives. Struggling with the constant ups and downs, I was frustrated that different parts of my life never seem to go well at the same time. Just when I think I've found balance and harmony, something happens that throws it all out of whack. With the amount of thought and reflection I put into almost everything I do, I was upset by the misalignment of happiness in portions of my life.
This car conversation, however, prompted me to consider my expectations of happiness. Is it truly realistic for us to think we'll ever find ourselves in a spot where everything is going our way? As an eternal optimist, I'd like to think so, but I've got to be honest with myself and say no.
Now don't take this as me switching up and going all pessimistic on you. Oh no, that's not it at all. What I'm saying, though, is that we can't live our lives expecting the stars to align and suddenly have everything fall into place. Life just doesn't work like that. Life constantly throws us curveballs, fastballs, and change-ups, forcing us to decide on a regular basis, should I swing, bunt, or just stand there (forgive the baseball references, the season just started and I'm a little excited)?
But if we're striving to find that happiness in every aspect of our lives, what should we do when we realize that's not necessarily going to happen? Well for starters, let's just accept it. Accept that happiness, just like the tides in the oceans, flows in and out. The beautiful thing with this, though, is that even when the tide rolls out, we know it'll roll back in again soon. Happiness does the same thing.
I like to use work as an example because I'm certain we've all had those days, yes, "those days" where we're just frustrated. Whether it's a project, a colleague, customer, or "other duty as assigned", we sometimes find ourselves questioning our passion, purpose, and even sanity for our chosen career. It's okay. That doesn't mean you should quit your job, travel the world for a year, and write a best-selling novel about how you found yourself (plus that storyline is already taken). What it does mean, however, is that when the work side isn't going as well, you need to find that happiness and energy in another side of your life.
Having a partner or friend to spend time with outside of work can help us re-focus our happiness and find ways to transfer that positive energy back to our job environment. If we have something to look forward to at the end of the day or the upcoming weekend, it's much easier to find that positivity in the office. But we must work at it by acknowledging our feelings and committing ourselves to try just a little bit harder.
The same can be said with almost everything in our lives. How often do we find ourselves in a new and exciting relationship with someone? Suddenly we want to spend every minute of every day with them. As we do so, our friendships are strained or our exercise plans disappear or fancy dinners out put an end to "watching what we eat". We find ourselves happy in this new relationship, but frustrated by friends who don't understand or the trainer who keeps calling because you've been missing mornings at the gym. "Why can't everything go right at the same time?", we say. Rather than focusing on the positive, we drown ourselves in negativity.
If we want to truly find happiness in all aspects of our lives, we need to use the things that are currently making us happy to change the things that aren't. Just like having something to look forward to at the end of a stressful work week will help make those hours in front of a spreadsheet go by just a bit easier, going on a run with your new beau will make that delicious dinner out a little easier to swallow and scheduling in ladies night will give balance to the "I can't go a second without you" clinginess of a new relationship.
Accept the fact that happiness will flow quickly or slowly at different times and in different areas of our lives. Commit yourself to focus that happiness, transfer it as needed, and bask in the opportunity and excitement of what's to come.
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Making Sense of the Reasons
For many years I've been a dedicated follower of the old adage, "Everything happens for a reason". I used it to justify why things didn't work out the way I had hoped, why I met certain people at certain times in my life, and why some opportunities appeared at the wrong time (or right time). It was a calming reminder to have faith and confidence in what was going on in my life.
As I've grown older (and somewhat wiser), my understanding of this phrase has expanded. Looking back on my almost 29 years, it is evident to me that things HAVE happened for a reason, but the reasoning and timing are often much deeper than we give credit.
I was talking to a friend recently about how everything that happens to us prepares us for something in the future. Consider your relationships... What have you learned from your friends? Significant others? Family members? Colleagues? What interactions frustrated you? Excited you? Challenged you? Each relationship teaches us something about how to treat others, how to handle certain situations, or how to react in the future. The relationships that burn us teach what mistakes to avoid in the future. The relationships that prosper teach us how to grow and cultivate trust, honesty, and love.
What about your jobs, work situations, or volunteer roles? How has each one prepared you for the next? What incidences with your peers or bosses have taught you about management or supervision? Whether we switch career fields 10 times or stay in the same industry for 40 years, each position inevitably gives us something to take forward to the next. For some it's knowing how to interact more successfully in a team environment, while for others it's how not to manage a major project on a tight deadline. The good, the bad, and the ugly all give reason and education that we can and should take forward with us both in the office and at home.
Believing that "Everything happens for a reason" doesn't make us naive. It means we take on the task of examining and reflecting on those events and identifying what lessons we can learn from them. Often times we can't figure out the reason(s) until years or even decades later. Other times it takes just a simple walk or 30 minutes of journaling to come to a conclusion. The key part, though, is truly taking the time to look back on the situation and review it from a clear lens.
What have you learned from your past experiences? What makes you believe that everything happens for a reason? How do you take the time to reflect and learn? I challenge you to spend some time today reflecting back on your life and examining what you've gained from these experiences. Think about the growth you've witnessed in yourself and the way each event, person, or position has taught you something for the future. It's likely that, whether you realize it or not, each of those items has shaped you into the person you are today and given reason for why things worked out or didn't work out when we wanted them to...
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
As I've grown older (and somewhat wiser), my understanding of this phrase has expanded. Looking back on my almost 29 years, it is evident to me that things HAVE happened for a reason, but the reasoning and timing are often much deeper than we give credit.
I was talking to a friend recently about how everything that happens to us prepares us for something in the future. Consider your relationships... What have you learned from your friends? Significant others? Family members? Colleagues? What interactions frustrated you? Excited you? Challenged you? Each relationship teaches us something about how to treat others, how to handle certain situations, or how to react in the future. The relationships that burn us teach what mistakes to avoid in the future. The relationships that prosper teach us how to grow and cultivate trust, honesty, and love.
What about your jobs, work situations, or volunteer roles? How has each one prepared you for the next? What incidences with your peers or bosses have taught you about management or supervision? Whether we switch career fields 10 times or stay in the same industry for 40 years, each position inevitably gives us something to take forward to the next. For some it's knowing how to interact more successfully in a team environment, while for others it's how not to manage a major project on a tight deadline. The good, the bad, and the ugly all give reason and education that we can and should take forward with us both in the office and at home.
Believing that "Everything happens for a reason" doesn't make us naive. It means we take on the task of examining and reflecting on those events and identifying what lessons we can learn from them. Often times we can't figure out the reason(s) until years or even decades later. Other times it takes just a simple walk or 30 minutes of journaling to come to a conclusion. The key part, though, is truly taking the time to look back on the situation and review it from a clear lens.
What have you learned from your past experiences? What makes you believe that everything happens for a reason? How do you take the time to reflect and learn? I challenge you to spend some time today reflecting back on your life and examining what you've gained from these experiences. Think about the growth you've witnessed in yourself and the way each event, person, or position has taught you something for the future. It's likely that, whether you realize it or not, each of those items has shaped you into the person you are today and given reason for why things worked out or didn't work out when we wanted them to...
Be happy for who you are. Be grateful for what you have.
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